


cross all the land and sea

by firstlovelatespring



Category: Arrested Development
Genre: Canon Compliant Before 5B, M/M, Post-Season 5A
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-28
Updated: 2018-06-28
Packaged: 2019-05-30 02:42:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15087224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firstlovelatespring/pseuds/firstlovelatespring
Summary: “You really need me to connect these dots for you, Mike? And people always said you were the smart brother. Tony is on the run from the law, and he can’t tell me where because the feds are listening, but he left me this clue and he wants me to find him.”





	cross all the land and sea

“Michael! Hey, Michael!” There’s no way Michael doesn’t see him in that transparent car of his. Michael’s driving about three miles an hour in the traffic leaving the parade, and Gob is walking beside him.

Michael rolls down the window. “What do you want, Gob?”

“I need a ride.”

“Call an Uber.”

“No, I really need you to— Michael it’s so complicated can you please just let me in the car?”

“Fine. This had better be good.” Michael presses a button and the door springs open. Gob gets in.

“I need you to follow that Laguna Closet Conversion float.”

“What? Gob, I don’t have time for this. I just gave Lottie Dottie a picture of my son and Maeby playing Ron and Brian go to Mexico, and I need to track down Lucille Two. I can’t be on the hook for this. The last time anyone saw her alive was on Cinco, and I can’t remember anything from that night.”

“That would be on account of the roofie I gave you.”

“The _what?_ ”

“The roofie, Michael, which I had to give you because you had just seen Tony Wonder in the model home in my little black robe. Which I am now telling you about, so I guess it was a waste of my last one.”

Michael opens his mouth and then immediately closes it again, like an indecisive fish. Gob never gets tired of that reaction.

“Tony Wonder, the gay magician,” he explains. “It was your standard ‘revenge-based seduction plot leads you to realize you’re gay in your mid-forties,’ that kind of deal.”

“I knew it! I always knew—”

“Thanks for the... gay cards I never got from you for the last forty years!”  
“Gay cards? What are you talking about?” Michael says, dutifully turning onto the highway to follow the Laguna Closet Conversion float.

“Anyway, Egg was there, and then there was a whole masks thing, and we were— same! And Tony took a forget-me-now, like I was supposed to, if I hadn’t given my last one to you. But you looked like you needed it, like you had just done something much worse than me. And then we had an illusion on the closets float, and Tony got covered in cement, and I couldn’t get back in the closet, and now we have to follow that float! So there’s your explanation.”

“That didn’t answer any of my questions.”

“You really need me to connect these dots for you, Mike? And people always said you were the smart brother. Tony is on the run from the law, and he can’t tell me where because the feds are listening, but he left me this clue and he wants me to find him.” Gob holds up a sparkly pink handkerchief with a W embroidered on the corner.

“You got all that from a handkerchief?”

“You bet I did! We are so in sync again. Also, he left me a voicemail.”

“So then why are we following this float?”

“Oh, I left my phone on there. I need to get the address of his parents’ house to start this whole trail thing.”

“Look, Gob, are you sure this isn’t some kind of escape act?”

“Of course it’s an escape act, Michael. I know escape acts.”

“I mean, an escape act from _you_.”

Gob hasn’t spent a lot of time considering that, because it isn’t an option. Tony wants Gob to find him, and that’s what he’s going to do. “Stupid, straight Michael,” Gob says. “If Tony’s trying to escape from me, why would he leave me a message telling me to find him?”

“Maybe he’s trying to let you down easy.”

Gob shakes his head. “Don’t come crying to me when you can’t get tickets to the double gay magician act of the century.”

“Trust me, I won’t,” Michael says, pulling into a space beside where the float has parked. “What is Tony suspected of, anyway?”

“The murder of Lucille Two, of course. Nobody knows how she disappeared. For all I know, you could have killed her!” Gob laughs and claps Michael on the back. Michael, oddly, seems to find this less funny.

“Thanks for the ride, Mikey!” Gob says, hopping out.

*

The address Tony gave him turns out to be a retirement community. Gob was hoping for something a little more this decade (or even this century), but he’s here in the anteroom, sitting on an uncomfortable wooden chair and considering how best to get past the front desk. He didn’t have time to copy the map onto his stomach, so he’s feeling a little lost. Overpowering the desk attendant physically is starting to look like his best option when he spots his niece and nephew over by a rack of magazines, talking to Rebel Alley.

“Well, that was a freebie,” he says, approaching them.

“I’m so excited to finally be meeting your family, George,” Rebel is saying.

George Michael smiles confidently. “This is Grandma M—”

“Uncle Gob?” Maeby says.

“Hey, George M—”

“Harris. Grandma Maharris. Just finishing my sentence.”

Gob frowns. “Hey, Maeby. What’s with the...” He gestures vaguely to all of her.

“Yeah, _maybe_ we should go inside!” Maeby says, laughing like a sixty year old woman and looking deliberately at Gob. “Come on, Rebel,” she adds, putting a firm hand on her shoulder.

“ _Grandma_ _Annette_ was going to show us her new dentures,” George Michael says.

Gob’s heart swells with pride. Scheming and lying to a hot girl? George Michael takes after him more than he could have ever hoped.

“Yeah, Grandma Annette! Let’s go,” Gob says, and Maeby leads them along the path to her house, Rebel and George Michael trailing a few steps behind.

“Is that man your uncle? You told me the rest of your family was killed in Hurricane Cantina.”

“He’s more of, uh. A family friend. A friend of my dad’s, actually, before he died.”

“So sad,” Rebel says, shaking her head and taking George Michael’s hand.

At the house, George Michael and Maeby retreat into the kitchen, leaving Gob and Rebel alone.

“Do I know you from somewhere?” she says.

“Have you ever used the Hot Cops stripper agency?” Gob tugs at his pants, but they stay put. Apparently the breakaway ones are in the wash.

“Did you do a magic trick for me at a bar?”

“A trick is something a whore does for money,” Gob says, on autopilot. “Which I also may have done for you if you hired a Hot Cop in 2005, or April of 2006.”

In the kitchen, Maeby is calmly looking through the fridge while George Michael visibly freaks out.

“Why did you invite Uncle Gob?” he asks, accepting a tupperware container from Maeby.

“I thought you invited him.”

“Why would I do that?”

“I don’t know. Some secondary plan?” Maeby holds up another container from the fridge. “What do we have here, chive cream cheese? Looks great.”

“That’s mold. Not chives, mold, Maeby. God, how long have you had this?”

“I don’t get a lot of visitors.” She opens the cream cheese to take a sniff, and immediately throws it in the trash. “I think Stan Sitwell left some food in the pantry, let’s just do that.”

George Michael carries a plate of donuts into the other room, where Gob is animatedly telling Rebel about his former plans to be boiled in a bisque.

“So, Uncle Gob,” George Michael says, setting down the plate. “What are you, uh, doing here?”

“Great question, George M— my boy.” Gob considers weaving an elaborate lie, but decides instead on the elaborate truth. “I’m looking for this gay magician, who I was originally pursuing for revenge-based reasons but am now pursuing for… gay reasons.”

There’s a moment of silence, one that Gob would usually fill with a fireball, or at least some lighter fluid. Today, he just finds himself looking at the old lady carpet on the floor.

“Oh, cool,” Maeby says.

George Michael gives her a look. “You don’t have any questions?”

“Eh, you know. It’s 2016. Everybody’s gay.” Maeby waves a clawed hand.

“That’s what Tony Wonder used to say!”

“Tony Wonder?” Maeby says, pausing with a donut halfway to her mouth.

Gob nods.

Maeby leans forward and slides her glasses to the edge of her nose. “Anthony Brian Ercolani Leibowitz.”

“No, I mean gay magician Tony Wonder.”

“You thought that was his real name? Anthony Brian Ercolani Liebowitz,” Maeby says, savoring every syllable. “People call him Abel. Mr. and Mrs. Leibowitz are always talking about their gay magician son Tony Wonder. Actually, they said he left a ton of magic-type stuff at their house, but they gave it all to Tony’s nephew, Murphy Brown Liebowitz. God, I hate that I know this. Old people have no boundaries.”

Rebel laughs. “Grandma Annette, you are so funny. I feel like you’re younger than me!”

“Thank you, dear. You are sweeter than an emergency glucose tablet.”

“Wait, Murphy Brown?” George Michael says. “Isn’t that your, um. Other grandson?”

“You think it’s the same guy?” Maeby says.

“Yes!” George Michael says, like it should have been totally obvious, which it totally wasn’t.

*

It’s not Murphy Brown who answers the door to his apartment when Gob knocks, but Tobias. Apparently, Gob learns over sardines straight from the tin, he’s been staying here since DeBrie left him after the 2nd of July parade.

“I, too, have news,” Gob says, standing up. “I’m on the trail of Tony Wonder, the gay magician.”

“Ah, yes, I heard about your illusion at the parade. I’ve actually been working on a coming out of sorts of my own,” Tobias says, putting his socked and sandaled foot up on the table.

“Oh, you’re gay.”

“No!” Tobias laughs. “A coming out for my son, Murphy Brown, as a circus performer.”

Gob nods disinterestedly. “Hey, is there any magic stuff lying around here?”

“That clown stuff? I threw it out, to make room for Murphy Brown’s clown stuff.”

“Threw it out!” Gob grabs Tobias by the shoulders. “Threw it out?”

“Well, yes, I, I’m sorry,” Tobias says, being shaken aggressively by Gob.

Gob stops and takes a step back. The Sound of Silence starts in his head. It’s been so long since he’s heard those first few notes. Despair is almost comforting in its familiarity.

Tobias interrupts him, oblivious as usual. “Shall we talk through the huge emotional implications of this late in life realization?”

“You’re not even in this family anymore,” Gob says. He slams the door on his way out.

*

Gob finds himself walking down the beach, feeling the sand between his toes and the cool ocean spray on his face, not feeling the betrayal and anger and all the other terrible things that he can’t name but are creeping up on him nevertheless.

His phone vibrates in his pocket. Gob doesn’t open the text from his mother, but calls his voicemail. There’s one saved message. That’s really the worst part of all this—Tony had sounded so sincere.

Gob wants to throw his phone into the ocean. But he doesn't. He calls Michael.

_“Gob? Where have you been?”_

That’s Michael for you. Always on his ass about something, even in this time of need! But always loyal. When Gob says he needs to talk, Michael meets him at the Klimpy’s on the pier, no questions asked.

“So I take it you haven’t found Tony Wonder yet,” Michael says, smugly opening his menu.

“Wow, robot much?” Gob says, laughing uncomfortably. “You’re watching this—this star-crossed story of magicians in love—”

Michael’s features soften into what passes for compassion in the Bluth family. “Look—”

“Maybe you were right, Mikey. Maybe I’ve made a huge mistake.” Gob tries to hold back a sob, with limited success.

“Hey. Gob. All you’ve done is go after someone you love, and there’s never anything wrong with that.”

“You really think so?”

“Absolutely. I know this is your first time actually having feelings for someone in, well, ever, but it isn’t always easy. It’ll take time to get over him, sure, but you’re gonna bounce right back.”

“So you’re saying… immediately have a ton of rebound gay sex?”

“That is not what I’m saying. Not at all.”

“You’re saying… get revenge on Tony Wonder by ruining his reputation for real this time?”

“Here’s what I’m saying, Gob. Let things go back to normal. Practice your magic tricks, or better yet, now that you’re not president anymore, get a job!”

“I do know of a place that’s hiring,” Gob says. “Good thing I kept my old uniform, ‘cause they make you cover it out of pocket.”

“That’s great,” Michael says, leaning over the table to clap him on the back.

“Thanks, Michael!” Gob says. “Never knew you were such a supporter of Hot Cops.”

*

Gob runs through the usual checklist in his head. Cop uniform, check. Boombox, check. You really don’t need very much to strip.

He stops for a moment outside the shitty motel room door, finger poised above the play button. He’s here to forget about Tony Wonder, to entertain some anonymous stranger to music to quiet his thoughts and worries and doubts and everything buzzing around in his head. Gob hits play.

“Police! Open up!” he says, pounding on the door, already flushed with adrenaline, back in a familiar rhythm.

The door opens, and Gob glimpses something that looks a lot like a dove. And then—

“I surrender!” Tony Wonder says, hands in the air. “I— Gob?”

“Tony!” A million questions flood into Gob’s head. Where has he been, what’s going on, does he remember Cinco, is he actually— “You hired a Hot Cop?”

“Well, yeah, I mean, you guys are the best stripping agency in the OC.” Gob has to agree with that. “Why don’t you come inside.”

Gob turns off the music, looking up and down the hall, and follows Tony into the room. It’s not exactly how he imagined, but hey. They’re here.

The first thing that Tony says to him once they’re inside, sitting cross-legged on the motel room bed, is “I’m sorry.”

Gob tries to say “I forgive you,” but finds he doesn’t quite have the muscle memory. He does forgive Tony, though, thinks he might forgive him anything. It’s a little scary to think about.

“I wish I could’ve been more direct with you, Gob, but I’ve been laying low since Cinco. I don’t remember anything that happened that night. I have no alibi for Lucille Austero’s disappearance. That’s why I was scared at the door, by the way. I thought you were the actual cops.”

“We get that a lot,” Gob says. He tells Tony everything, just lets the last few days explode out of him like fireball from any good magician’s sleeve. Tony listens—or at least doesn’t interrupt—in a way that Gob isn’t used to. By the time he gets to the retirement community part, Tony gets where he’s going.

“I knew I shouldn’t have trusted my parents to hold onto my magic stuff. I’m sorry it took so long for you to find me, but you’re here now. We’re here, and we can be… whatever you want.” Tony looks more vulnerable than Gob’s ever seen him, like he’s just lost track of a small magical animal in his clothes.

“If you don’t…” Gob finally says, studying the pattern of the duvet cover. “If you don’t remember Cinco, how do you know you’re gay?”

Tony laughs. “You figured out the gay magician thing was an act? Good for you. I guess what they say about gaydar is true. Anyway, I was sitting in that suitcase for, like, three days, and I did some real thinking about my life, and I realized I’m bisexual.” Tony exhales. “What about you? Did it hit you in the storage locker?”

“It was you, Tony,” Gob says.

“When you saw me at the wedding?”

“No, I. We had sex on Cinco.” Tony looks like he doesn’t believe it, so Gob adds, “There’s a tape of it and everything!”

“I thought I stood you up.”

“ _I_ was going to stand _you_ up!” Gob says. “But Ann… ex-girlfriend was there, and there were masks, and we were—same! And I was supposed to take a forget-me-now too, same, but I gave my last one to my stupid brother. And I had to _remember_ being gay. Or, _get_ to remember. Whatever.”

“We’re in-same.”

“We’re… crazy?”

“No, like, in sync? In-same?” Gob’s still not getting it. Tony says, “I guess that one doesn’t work as well. Never mind.”

*

“I spent so long wondering if we would ever get to do this again,” Gob says.

“Did somebody say,” Tony says, leaning into kiss Gob, “Wonder?”

*

Tonight is different from Cinco in a lot of ways. For one thing, it’s about four in the afternoon. (Calling a stripping agency before it’s even dark outside is a move Gob can respect.) There are no masks, although Tony does end up wearing a little black robe. And it’s different because, for the first time in a long time, Gob doesn’t feel ashamed. He’s stopped carrying around forget-me-nows, but even if he had one in his back pocket right now—he wants to remember this.

It’s also different because this time, Gob thinks, he is in love. Maybe Michael was right about all that sentimental commitment bullshit. Gob has had a lot of sex in his life—mostly with women, sure, but still—and tonight is different.

After, Tony puts on one of his live show recordings, and Gob only complains a little bit. Then they talk about magic and the Bluth company and Sally Sitwell’s fake eyebrows.

It’s late, and Tony gets up to turn off the light.

“Tomorrow we can start planning our double magician act, right?” Gob says, propping himself up on one arm.

“I can’t, Gob,” Tony says, still standing at the light switch. “I’m still on the hook for this Lucille Austero thing. I don’t have an alibi.”

“I’m your alibi!”

Tony sighs. “I believe you, Gob, but I don’t think a jury will. I wish there was some real proof, some kind of physical record of it… Then we could get that act together.”

Gob smirks to himself as Tony gets into bed beside him. “Looks like Tobias isn’t going to be the only getting into—out of legal trouble.”

“What?”

“Nothing. Everything’s under control. Go to sleep.”

*

The next morning, Gob leaves before Tony is awake. He scrawls a note on the motel room stationary: _Meet me at the Gothic Castle tonight. Everything’s taken care of._ Then, on his way to the beach house, Gob makes a phone call.

*

Gob is barely through the door before his mother starts yelling at him.

“Where have you been?”

“I was with Tony Wonder,” Gob says, surprising himself. Being honest with his mother is not a reflex he’s familiar with.

“Tony Wonder?”

“Yes, Dad, the ga—great magician!” He’s not ready to be _that_ honest. It’s one thing to come out to strangers in an elaborate parade float illusion, but another to come out to his parents.

“Again with the magic?” his mother says, disappointment as heavy in her voice as her neck flaps before that first surgery. “In our family’s time of need?”

“Lucille, this could be good,” Dad says.

“Dad, are you finally going to come to one of my magic shows? Do you need me to do an illusion to help Lindsay’s campaign? I have a couple doves in here somewhere, I can be ready in—”

“We need you to tank the campaign,” Lucille says, taking a sip of her drink. “Light a bird on fire, have a sex scandal, do one of your giant failed magic tricks, I don’t care how. God knows you’ve been enough of an embarrassment without me asking!”

His parents laugh at him. Gob doesn’t join them.

“No.”

“What?” Lucille says.

“No,” Gob repeats, this time louder. “I’m not doing your dirty work for you anymore, Mom!” he says, storming off to his room and slamming the door behind him. Gob throws all the bottles of lighter fluid off the bed and takes an angry nap.

*

Hours later, Gob resurfaces.

“I thought you said you weren’t going to help us,” his mom says. It’s the first time in a long time she’s started a conversation with him impressed instead of disappointed.

“What are you talking about?”

“Look,” she says, pointing to the TV on the counter.

Gob does. John Beard is on the screen, shuffling his papers and speaking in that even tone of his. “Thanks to an anonymous tip received earlier today, new footage has surfaced from the night of this year’s Cinco de Cuatro, possibly exonerating suspect Tony Wonder in the disappearance of California senate candidate Lucille Austero.” The news show plays a brief clip of the video. Sure enough, there’s a timestamp in the corner that places them in the model home at the time of Lucille Two’s disappearance, and while a lot of the picture has been blurred out, Gob and Tony’s faces are visible, and what they’re doing is pretty clear. “The other man in the tape has yet to be firmly identified, although reports are coming in that it’s one George Oscar Bluth, brother of Ms. Austero’s opponent, Lindsay Bluth. Following his July second illusion—”

Gob turns off the TV.

“I don’t know how you did this, but it’s perfect,” his mother says. “A gay sex scandal? After this, Lindsay couldn’t beat a talking monkey! Or perhaps Lucille Austero bears more of a resemblance a gorilla.”

“I didn’t do this for you, Mom.”

“You did it for Lindsay?” She looks doubtful that any of her children would look out for each other.

“I did it for my,” Gob takes a deep breath, “boyfriend, Tony Wonder.”

His mom purses her lips and takes a sip of her drink. It’s about the same reaction she’s had to all of his past relationships, so Gob calls it a win.

*

The Gothic Castle had a last-minute cancellation, so instead of the fun night in the audience Gob was planning, Tony Wonder has been called on to perform. Gob is backstage with him now, trying with limited success to tie his purple bowtie.

“Thank you, Gob,” Tony says.

“For tying your tie?”

“No, you know. For clearing my name. I’m already the gay magician, so a sex tape is no feathers off my dove, but I know that couldn’t have been an easy choice for you.”

Gob didn’t mean it as a sacrifice, really did it for the purely selfish reason of wanting to have Tony again, but decides against saying that. “Of course.”

“Now that I’m not going to get prosecuted for this, we can get on that magic act without having to circumvrent the law.”

“Persecuting? Gay people? What year is it?”

“Prosecuting. You know what, never mind.” Tony kisses Gob quickly. “I’ll see you after the show.”

Gob finds a seat in the audience right next to the suspiciously placed red bean bag chair. Tony’s act is a classic, really, but all he can think about is plans for duo act. Is thirty live doves too much? He’ll have to ask Tony later.

After the show, and questions from the crowd of glittery how’d-he-do-thats, Gob and Tony are sitting at the bar. A lot has happened since that night they sat here together, months ago.

“I’ve missed this,” Tony says.

“What, performing?”

“That, too, but I meant this.” Tony takes Gob’s hands in his. “You.”

There’s a million things Gob wants to say. _I love you_ and _I missed you_ and _I thought I was never going to see you again and it was killing me_. But he just says, “Same,” and kisses Tony, and he thinks Tony understands.

Their moment is interrupted by the flash of a camera. A paparazzo with a _Poof!_ media pass around his neck is standing in front of them, camera and digital recorder at the ready.

“Tony Wonder, do you have any comment on the sex tape released today?” the guy says, holding out his recorder.

“I’m just glad to no longer be a suspect,” Tony says. “And I owe it all to Gob Bluth, my…. boyfriend.” He squeezes Gob’s hand. “I’d also like to take this opportunity to announce that we’ll be going on tour together with our new double gay magician act.”

The reporter nods and turns to Gob, not even giving him a moment to process this loaded answer. “Mr. Bluth, are you aware that today’s polls have your sister Lindsay pulling ahead of her opponent in the congressional race?”

Gob was not aware, and he doesn’t care. Tony is off the hook for Lucille Austero’s disappearance, and he’s gay, and they’re out, they’re working on a collaborative illusion that will no doubt go down in Southern California magic history. It’s taken him long enough to find it, but this? This is where he belongs.

*

The very same night, Lucille Bluth is sitting in the beach house with her husband, watching the news. The public is eating this up, but not in the way she had hoped. Lindsay polls five, ten points higher than Lucille Austero. Calls to the campaign are pouring in, asking how she did it.

Lucille sighs. “Look what the homosexuals have done to me.”

**Author's Note:**

> the title is from the distance by gavin turek :)


End file.
